Being honest with myself.

Well here it goes.

I promised myself when I changed the focus of this blog that I would be more honest, and more "raw." I said those words. Never expected it would be like this.

This is the story. (Please understand some of this story is VERY sacred. Please treat it as such.)

We had kicked around the idea of quitting our job for some period of time. Finally, we made it to the temple and were able to pray about it. We both felt the same things, 1) that our time at Boys Town was coming to an end. and 2) that whatever ended up happening next in our life would pave a way for us to have another child.    Well life played out, and no less than a week later I was put in a position that compromised my religious beliefs because of work. We knew that was it. A pay check is never worth your clean conscious.  If a instruction from your boss ends you up at the bishops office, you need to reconsider your job. And that was it, we did. It took us a while to get to the point were we put in our two weeks, as we were trying to get some thing shorted out, but we finally did. And felt great about it.

Well moving was stressful. And as it got closer to moving day, the more stressed I became. So when my period was late, I wasn't too concerned. Took a test, negative. Even less concerned. We went to church, the day before we moved, and I came home, and decided that I should take another pregnancy test, just to be safe. Two little pink lines appeared. I could not believe it. Shaun was home teaching our neighbors at the time, and I asked that he come home as soon as he could. And he came home as soon as the lesson was over. I met him at the door and said "I'm pregnant." No you're not! You just took a test. I told him I took another, and he said he didn't believe me. I showed him, and there was much rejoicing to be had. I was over the moon, and in shock.  It took me a couple of days to get to the point where I was ok with being pregnant, like I said, I was a bit shocked. But that love, for your child is instant. The second you see two pink lines on a stick your heart grows, and part of your heart now lives in your child, regardless of their poppy seed size.  That's what it is like being a mother.


Well, like I said, we moved like the next day, and started growing used to the idea of being a family of four.  We started talking about names. (We're constantly talking about baby names.)

We discussed how much life changes in such a short period time. You go from being in shock that there's another life within you, to over the moon praying every second for the Lord to bless your child, and keep you safe to help you grow this little miracle.

And here's where I back track a bit to help tell the story. 3.5 years ago, recently married, and I had a a very vivid dream. In my dream I was in this big beautiful grassy field, and I was walking through the field to the top of a hill, and with me in this dream was a little boy, about 5 years old. He was so cute, and so happy. He was little, but smart. Super blonde hair, and these beautiful blue eyes. He'd run up the hill a bit, and then back to me, and then up the hill a bit, and back to me. Doing circles around me. At one point, he stopped right by me, looked up at me, said "Dad!" pointed up the hill and took off towards Shaun, his daddy.

When we found I was pregnant 2.5 years ago, this little blonde haired blue eyed boy visited me in my dreams more often. Always smiling, always laughing. And had the most beautiful blue eyes.

In case you haven't seen Bowen lately:

I have no doubt in my mind, that that little blonde haired blue eyed boy was Bowen. Visiting me in my dreams, showing me the energy and joy he would bring into my life. 

Last summer we were driving around, and we were talking about baby names (I told you we do this often) and I told Shaun that I loved the idea of combining two of my favorite names to make a beautiful, yet unique name. I found out later in the summer that this name I came up with was the name of one of my ancestors. I was in love. I told Shaun, I didn't care how much he hated the name, that was going to be the name of our next child that was that gender. It was fate as far as I was concerned.  

Fast forward to just a couple of months ago, I was once again visited in my dreams by my child. Curly dark hair. Hazel eyes. She was gorgeous. As she twirled on my finger in the kitchen her waist length dark curls followed her. Her yellow sundress belled as she spun. She was quiet. She only giggled. And insisted on being by my side. She was so sweet. 

The name I came up with just a year ago was so fitting to this little girl. I talked to Shaun about my dream. And I told him. This is our little girl. He agreed. Our little:

Emmaline Grace

I talked to my sweet Emmaline every night. I told her how much I loved her. I prayed she would grow healthy and strong. Our delight with the thought of bringing a little girl in our family grew by the minute. 

Our joy only grew when we found out our closest friends in Vegas were also expecting, just 7 weeks before us. Bowen and their son are only 5 weeks apart, so this was awesome news to us, that our next babies would be close too!  They were the only people we told our happy news to. And it turned out to be such a blessing to us, that we did that. 

Less than a week later after discussing doctors and birth options and cloth diapering a new born all week long, my texts with her took a turn.

I had gone to the bathroom. And there was blood. A fair amount too. I called Shaun in, and told him that this was not good.  I texted my friend. Told her the news and asked what I was supposed to do. She told me to call my dr., but I didn't even have one yet. I hadn't decided to who to go with. So she called hers for me. They said to go to the ER. And that's what I did. By my self. I drove. And cried. (Bowen hadn't had a nap yet. So Shaun stayed back to drive him around until he fell asleep. When he finally crashed Michelle, my friend, came by to stay with him so that Shaun could join me.)

On my way to the hospital this song came on. I cried harder.

 

(I hadn't even seen the video before today. The irony is great.)

The song helped ground me. And I appreciated it, no matter how hard it was to hear. 

I got to the hospital. They told me that I was going to be bumped to the top of the list, but that they didn't have a bed, so they didn't know how long it was going to take. 

My heart sank. I sat there texting updates to both Michelle and Shaun until Shaun arrived. They pulled me back and stuck me in a holding area and took my blood. I waited there for a while, and Shaun met me there. Shortly after Shaun arrived a lady came to get me to take me for an ultra sound, but they wouldn't let Shaun join me. I WAS PISSED. Sorry if you don't like that word, but that is the only way to describe how I felt. The nurse that did the ultrasound was cold. And distant. We finally struck up a conversation about Utah. She had lived there for a while. I kept expecting that at any point in time she was going to turn the monitor around and show me my baby, and ease my fears. But before I knew it, she said she was done. And let me get cleaned up. 

She finally took me back to Shaun and told me she hoped I felt better soon. I told Shaun that they didn't tell me anything. Soon after we were shuffled over to another room, and were told that we were going to meet our doctor there. After a few minutes, our doctor came in a told us, very coldly. And with no compassion that there wasn't a viable pregnancy. And that was it.  We finished giving our information to administration (the doctor interrupted the taking down of info)  and were able to leave. 

I was sad and so angry at the same time. That lady came into the room to tell us our child had died. And displayed no compassion. I couldn't believe someone could do that with no emotion. 

I couldn't believe it.  While we waited for our discharge papers I texted Michelle. The message was painful, and short.

We lost the baby.

It took almost four hours for them to tell me that. Our life changed so much. We came home and put Bowen down for bed. And cried. Shaun and I talked a couple days later that we lost our Emmaline. 

The last month and a half have been rough. There have been days where all I've done is laid on the couch. Others I've done my best to be social. I've been crabby. And a jerk. Days where I haven't been able to eat much more than a couple bites. 

The week I actually miscarried was the most torturous of my life. If you ever want to break the soul of a mother force her to expel her baby in pieces from her body. That will do it. There would be glimpses of joy, can't help but happen with such an adorable toddler in the home, and for a brief moment the loss of your baby wouldn't be the most prominent thing on your mind, and then you'd have to go to the bathroom. It was miserable. Everything seemed to remind me of the baby I lost. The stupid pickle jar in the frig got me for several weeks. I finally threw it away. 

I miss her. Every day. Because of my sweet Emmaline I have met some very sweet and wonderful women who have also lost babies. 

Losing a child is so incredibly difficult. But speaking her name, helps so much. I could not believe the relief I felt when Shaun spoke her name in the shower the other night. She wasn't a fetus. She was a child. My child, and she has a name. Emmaline Grace Vidinhar 

Now my sweet girl lives in my heart. She took part of my heart with her that day. She did. But my comfort comes from knowing, one day, she will be in my arms. And for that I am grateful. And on that I will meditate. 

I am so glad we are an Eternal Family. And that we have a Celestial Marriage. I'm so glad, that because of that I will have my sweet girl again. My sweet Emmaline.

I have decided that every week I am going to try to take time to remember her. I'm going to have Emmaline days. Most particularly by doing service. My biggest fears are that I'm going to forget her, and that her name will not be spoken. This is my way of trying to deal with those fears. And today, was my first Emmaline Day. 

I love her. I miss her. I will never be the same.

Kirsten