NICU life sucks (getting into the NICU)

I cannot tell you how happy I am to no longer have a baby in the NICU.

When Nathan was born, he had great APGARs.

When they took him to weigh and measure him Nathan's nurse called one of the NICU nurses for a second opinion. His breathing and oxygen saturation where kind of all over the place. When the NICU nurse got there, she was unbelievably rude. The NICU nurse said something along the lines of "You called me for a second opinion on a baby who's heartrate is xyz and who's oxygen is 99%???"and scoffed. (When it was happening we kind of thought, "man, our nurse is foolish, our baby's fine." but looking back, she was on to something. She picked up on everything that was sounding alarm bells, just 2 days later.)

From the moment he was in my arms, his breathing was just all over the place. I asked the nurse about it twice before we left L&D. She kind of went over what to look for, and said something along the lines of  "some babies just need a little bit to figure it out." Nathan was also REALLY gaggy. I mean, he kept gagging on air. "some babies are just a little gaggy." He came so quickly everyone kept just putting it off as that. "He didn't get the squeezing most babies do, as they are born, because he was born so quickly." And it made sense to me. It did. Maybe he a bit of extra fluid in his lungs. Maybe he swallowed a little more than normal. Maybe this. Maybe that.

His first 24 hours were a little unremarkable. He ate like normal. He had a couple smaller poopy diapers. He gagged. His breathing was a little wonky, but he kept breathing, and every time they checked his vitals, it was within limits.

Then he failed his hearing screen. (and we joked, because hannah had passed hers.)

Twice.

Then he failed a congenital heart screening.

Twice.

Then we went to the NICU for an hour of observation.  (because his oxygen saturation wouldn't stay over 96%)

Then he had an echo. And it looked perfect.  (relief, thought we were going home.)

We made it back to our room, and at that point, it had been almost 6 hours since he had last eaten. And I was starting to get worried. I asked to speak with the LC on staff, Lisa. And we talked for a bit and thought "maybe he's just extra sleepy today. He'll wake up soon." But he just kept dozing. For those next couple hours, he would nurse, for like less than a minute. And EVERY TIME he would throw up. And I just kept thinking "this kid has an awful gag reflex." Then slowly what he was throwing up went from milk colored to brown. And I was concerned. I called Jessica the nurse in, And she said "it'ts probably just some of the meconium he swallowed, we'll keep an eye on it."

The LC came back in about an hour later, found out he still wasn't really eating, and immediately took action. "We need to get you a pump, and we need to get milk into him. Now." I thought she was a little over the top. But I was starting to get concerned. When Bowen was born, all he did for the first months of his life was eat. He never not wanted to eat. It was constant. Hannah was the same. So here was this baby, and he didn't want to eat. And I couldn't figure it out.

She brought me a pump. And I pumped. And I got close to 1oz, and shocked everyone. So, we put the milk in little syringes and syringe fed him 5mls. He took it. And immediately threw up. Not like spit up. But like through his nose, projectile. And it was highlighter yellow.  Jessica walks in and I'm like "this is really concerning me." I showed her the blanket he puked on. And she said something like "Let me go ask NICU about this."

She comes back, and didn't really mention it. So I thought maybe it was ok. She had actually called Nathan's pediatrician. And the pediatrician requested that the NNP (neonatal nurse practitioner) come in and evaluate him. But this was not communicated well to me.

It was afternoon by this time, and I honestly still believed we were on our way to being discharged, because I had not heard otherwise.

So we keep syringe feeding. And cleaning puke. And pumping.

At this point I am exhausted. And I just want to go home.

Sunday night I didn't sleep. I was in labor.

Monday night I didn't sleep. Shaun had gone home to take care of Bowen and Hannah. So I was up fielding questions to nurses, Nathan got a bath, nursing. (he was nursing like a typical newborn at that point). They took him for his 24 hour newborn screen, and his first heart screen, and he was gone about an hour and half, so i slept, for an hour and a half.

Tuesday was chaos. We literally started meeting with doctors at like 6 am, and didn't stop. (hearing, heart, cardiologist, on call pediatrician, our actual pediatrician,  NICU observation ETC ETC ETC)  I didn't sleep.

So here we are Tuesday afternoon, and I just want to go home, and sleep. Remember the nap I wanted before I gave birth. I NEVER GOT IT! And I hadn't slept since Saturday night.

About 5 NICU came in. I was totally blindsided by it.  Like I said it was not communicated down to me very well. And the nurse said "we're going to keep him." I had no idea what that meant.  The NNP left the room and I asked my nurse "so what is going on exactly?"

She explained that the NICU was going to make sure they had a bed for him, and then we were going to take him over there, and he would be admitted. She told me that they may just keep him for a few hours, or just for 24 hours, but that would be up to them.

So I take Nathan over there. And I hang out with him for a little while. And the nurses explain that I am going to need to leave so they can start an IV. And I'm all "huh." I told the NICU nurse that we were told there was a chance we could still go home tonight. And she said "no, he's going to be here last for the next 24 hours, so he needs an IV." They then explained he was going to not be allowed anything by mouth (NPO) for at least 24 hours. I was in such denial. Seriously, typing this, 9 weeks later, I can't believe I honestly thought I was taking him that night, but I did.

So I began my walk back to my postpartum room. Alone. I am positive I cried every step. I got to the room. And I was alone. Completely and totally alone. It was the worst kind of quiet.

Soon Shaun got there. And I told him what was happening.

We dropped our littles off at a friends (thanks Jane!) and shaun came back and we went back to see him together. They had done an IV, and we were told he was "a very very hard stick." They had also placed a tube in his mouth that went down to his stomach that was sucking out all of his stomach contents. If (when) his bowels started backing up into his stomach, it would be suctioned out. It was horrible to watch. Every time the suction turned on, he would gag and dry heave. It was AWFUL. Seriously. Weeks later just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Shaun went and got the (bigger) littles while I waited to be discharged. He brought them to the hospital and we waited. My OB came in, and I was eating chocolate. I told him I was self medicating because Nathan was in the NICU, and I didn't know how else to cope. He said that my insurance allowed one more night if I wanted to stay. I told him that I hadn't slept since Saturday night, and I just wanted to go home and sleep. So he signed the discharge papers. Soon the nurse came in, and she got us ready to leave. Per policy I had to be wheeled down to the car (regardless of the fact I had been walking all around the L&D floor, to NICU and back). I tried to get Hannah to sit in my lap so it wasnt so empty. But *that* was against policy.

They got us down to the car, we stopped at chipotle where dinner was waiting for us (thank goodness for online ordering). Then we went home to eat. It was almost 10 at that point. Everyone was so tired. Looking back now. I am so grateful Bowen and Hannah were both there as we went home. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to leave the hospital lone. To get home and have to explain to them that Nathan had to stay. (where they saw the empty hospital room, they watched us leave without him. They understood the best they could.) I don't remember much about that first night. Other than taking a shower, pumping, and going to bed. I don't remember if either of them asked about Baby. I don't. I don't remember how Bowen got to school the next day.

I do remember Hannah not sleeping in her bed, and insisting on cuddling with me.  I took this photo and posted it on facebook with this caption:

Ever since Hannah was born she has been Ike balm for my soul. 

Normally sleeping next to her is like sleeping next to a sword fish, who has ants. But last night she just sweetly cuddled.

She was exactly what I needed. For as crazy as she is she always seems to just know.

This was his crib card in the NICU 

(his length is wrong in this picture)

Leaving the hospital without Nathan was one of the hardest things I had ever done. And if I was perfectly honest, if you had asked me that night "why is he in the NICU" I had no idea. None. And I can promise you, that, the not knowing, did not help.

Chocolate chip cookies

I'm going to share my secret chocolate chip cookie recipe with you! (ok, it's not mine, but these are the BEST chocolate chip cookies! and mostly, I keep losing the recipe, so if i post it here, I won't lose it, or at least that is the idea.)

These are the best cookies! Follow the recipe exactly for best results. (dont over mix, and dont overcook.)

Oh Nathan.

So, I had a baby.



I told Shaun last week that I felt like the fierceness of Nathan's birth was being overshadowed by his stay in the NICU, which has completely taken over our lives. So before his birth becomes even more buried by xrays, surgery, feedings, pumping etc etc etc I want to write it down. I'm going to try to make it through this whole post without mentioning the NICU again. Let's see how it goes!

Nathan's birth was nothing like Bowen or Hannah's. With both Bowen and Hannah I was induced at 41 weeks. I kept joking with Shaun that "this baby is going to be a March baby." I was due Feb 23rd, and expected I would, once again, go at least a week over. Well, Nathan had other plans.

I had scheduled an induction for Feb 28th, and thought to myself, I'll probably be in labor for a while and have a baby March 1. Well, as my induction approached, my to do list grew. Soon it was Sunday night (Feb 26th) and I was making a list of everything I needed to accomplish the next day before my induction the following day. On that to do list, along with laundry and cleaning, was registering at the hospital. (oops.)

Well, as I was getting out of the shower the night of the 26th, I could just not seem to dry off. Shaun was laughing at me, because I was frantically trying to dry myself off so I could put Hannah to bed (who was up way past her bedtime) and I just could not get dry. Finally, I went to the bathroom and I said to Shaun, "I think my water broke, and I'm leaking..." He didn't think I was serious. It took a good 30 minutes of "no, really, i'm wet." before Shaun believed me. Then we had a "oh crap, now what?" moment.  I wasn't have contractions. The family that was supposed to watch Bowen and Hannah were out of town and getting into town the next day. I texted our back up family. It was about 11;30 at that point, and Hannah was finally asleep, I thought to myself, "I'll try to get some sleep, if I start to have contractions, I'm sure they will be mild, and if no contractions, I will go in first thing in the morning." Well, I wasn't able to sleep. At all. About 1 in the morning, I started having contractions. I was just laying in bed, and started wondering what on earth we were going to do with Bowen and Hannah. At 2, I got out of bed, woke Shaun up, told him we should probably call our back up family, and think about heading to the hospital. I didn't think I was close to having a baby, as much as I wanted to get to the hospital to get an epidural and take a nap. I was so so so tired. I had an epidural with both Bowen and Hannah and gotten a nap with both of them before giving birth. I just wanted a nap.

So, at 2, I got in the shower, and told Shaun to let the Harpers know we would probably be there around 3. We didn't have a hospital bag ready, and nothing at all ready for the kids. I thought I would stand in the shower, and enjoy the hot water, and let Shaun get everything ready.  The shower was heavenly. The only reason I got out was because I used all the hot water..... The contractions were so manageable, I thought for sure I had hours and hours left to labor. I just wanted a nap.

We dropped Bowen and Hannah off shortly before 3. Sitting in the car was miserable. I was much much much more comfortable standing. We got to the hospital shortly after 3, and walked in, realizing we had dropped off my hospital bag with the kiddos. Oops. We went up to L&D and told the lady my water had broken and I was there to have a baby. The lady sitting next to her said "I recognize your name." She had just looked at the induction schedule for the following day and I was on the list. We just got there a little early. :D

They took me right back and gave me a gown to wear, I explained that I had worn my own clothes for the previous 2 births, and I wanted to do that again. The nurse argued with me about how I was required to wear the hospital gown. We went back and forth for 20 minutes. She did an IV, and was asking general questions about who my OB was, how far along I was, etc etc etc. Finally, mostly to get her to stop talking about it, I put on the hospital gown, and got into bed, so they could do their required monitoring for 20 minutes. I was not happy about having to be in bed for 20 minutes, especially because all I wanted was a nap.

After being in bed for a few minutes, she checked me, and I swear it was the longest vaginal check of my entire life. I remember thinking "what the heck is taking so long?!" Right as she was done, my water broke, again, all over her. Like soaking her shirt. It was by far the best part. I was so frustrated with her for not letting me wear my clothes it was a nice little pay back. I, of course, apologized and continued laughing.

I remember one nurse talking to another and she said "She's just going to go." I didn't understand what that meant at first, then she turned to me, and told me I was at a 9. I was delusional at that time, and I remember asking if I still could get an epidural. I wanted a nap so bad. (Did I mention I wanted a nap?!) I immediately felt like I needed to push. And just a few minutes later I had a baby on my chest.

Shaun and I both thought Nathan was going to be a boy for a long time. Every now and then we would entertain the thought of him being a girl, and think "heaven help us if we have 2 girls!" Hannah is by far the most spoiled little one ever. We were and are very excited to have a little boy to join our family. He is perfect.

Nathan was born at 3:50 in the morning. Less than an hour after arriving at the hospital parking lot. They didn't even get their 20 minutes of required monitoring on the machine. Looking back they were lucky to get an IV in.

I was in complete disbelief.  I had gotten it so far in my head that 1)I couldn't have a baby without medical intervention. 2) I couldn't go into labor without being induced. 3) When I was in labor, early labor was slow. 4) I was not cut out to laboring naturally. and many many others.

And yet, there I was, baby on my chest, signing papers to officially be admitted to the hospital. There is a photo Shaun took of me, completely bewildered, Nathan on my chest, signing consent to be treated papers. It is my favorite.



While the nurses were surprised how quickly I delivered after getting there, and one in particular kept giving me grief about it. Shaun and I could not believe how big Nathan was. Bowen and Hannah had both been 7lbs, (7lbs 8 oz, and 7lbs 5oz) I thought I just made 7lb babies who need an extra week to cook, and a nudge to come into the world. Nathan proved it all wrong. Coming into the world, on his own, only 4 days past my due date, and at just over 9 lbs! He didn't even look that big! (He was also almost 2 inches longer than Bowen and Hannah too!) I expected a 9lb baby to be CHUNKY, and he was not. He was built like a line backer! Solid, from head to toe. His thighs were almost as big as his waist! He didn't fit into newborn diapers. He doesnt fit into newborn clothes.

Nathan is 2 weeks old today. And I just cannot believe it.  He absolutely loves cuddles, and to be held. He doesn't like the Moana soundtrack (good luck kid!) and is currently addicted to his paci. (but only the orange one!)

I think we'll keep him. ;)