When Nathan was born, he had great APGARs.
When they took him to weigh and measure him Nathan's nurse called one of the NICU nurses for a second opinion. His breathing and oxygen saturation where kind of all over the place. When the NICU nurse got there, she was unbelievably rude. The NICU nurse said something along the lines of "You called me for a second opinion on a baby who's heartrate is xyz and who's oxygen is 99%???"and scoffed. (When it was happening we kind of thought, "man, our nurse is foolish, our baby's fine." but looking back, she was on to something. She picked up on everything that was sounding alarm bells, just 2 days later.)
From the moment he was in my arms, his breathing was just all over the place. I asked the nurse about it twice before we left L&D. She kind of went over what to look for, and said something along the lines of "some babies just need a little bit to figure it out." Nathan was also REALLY gaggy. I mean, he kept gagging on air. "some babies are just a little gaggy." He came so quickly everyone kept just putting it off as that. "He didn't get the squeezing most babies do, as they are born, because he was born so quickly." And it made sense to me. It did. Maybe he a bit of extra fluid in his lungs. Maybe he swallowed a little more than normal. Maybe this. Maybe that.
His first 24 hours were a little unremarkable. He ate like normal. He had a couple smaller poopy diapers. He gagged. His breathing was a little wonky, but he kept breathing, and every time they checked his vitals, it was within limits.
Then he failed his hearing screen. (and we joked, because hannah had passed hers.)
Twice.
Then he failed a congenital heart screening.
Twice.
Then we went to the NICU for an hour of observation. (because his oxygen saturation wouldn't stay over 96%)
Then he had an echo. And it looked perfect. (relief, thought we were going home.)
We made it back to our room, and at that point, it had been almost 6 hours since he had last eaten. And I was starting to get worried. I asked to speak with the LC on staff, Lisa. And we talked for a bit and thought "maybe he's just extra sleepy today. He'll wake up soon." But he just kept dozing. For those next couple hours, he would nurse, for like less than a minute. And EVERY TIME he would throw up. And I just kept thinking "this kid has an awful gag reflex." Then slowly what he was throwing up went from milk colored to brown. And I was concerned. I called Jessica the nurse in, And she said "it'ts probably just some of the meconium he swallowed, we'll keep an eye on it."
The LC came back in about an hour later, found out he still wasn't really eating, and immediately took action. "We need to get you a pump, and we need to get milk into him. Now." I thought she was a little over the top. But I was starting to get concerned. When Bowen was born, all he did for the first months of his life was eat. He never not wanted to eat. It was constant. Hannah was the same. So here was this baby, and he didn't want to eat. And I couldn't figure it out.
She brought me a pump. And I pumped. And I got close to 1oz, and shocked everyone. So, we put the milk in little syringes and syringe fed him 5mls. He took it. And immediately threw up. Not like spit up. But like through his nose, projectile. And it was highlighter yellow. Jessica walks in and I'm like "this is really concerning me." I showed her the blanket he puked on. And she said something like "Let me go ask NICU about this."
It was afternoon by this time, and I honestly still believed we were on our way to being discharged, because I had not heard otherwise.
So we keep syringe feeding. And cleaning puke. And pumping.
At this point I am exhausted. And I just want to go home.
Sunday night I didn't sleep. I was in labor.
Monday night I didn't sleep. Shaun had gone home to take care of Bowen and Hannah. So I was up fielding questions to nurses, Nathan got a bath, nursing. (he was nursing like a typical newborn at that point). They took him for his 24 hour newborn screen, and his first heart screen, and he was gone about an hour and half, so i slept, for an hour and a half.
Tuesday was chaos. We literally started meeting with doctors at like 6 am, and didn't stop. (hearing, heart, cardiologist, on call pediatrician, our actual pediatrician, NICU observation ETC ETC ETC) I didn't sleep.
So here we are Tuesday afternoon, and I just want to go home, and sleep. Remember the nap I wanted before I gave birth. I NEVER GOT IT! And I hadn't slept since Saturday night.
About 5 NICU came in. I was totally blindsided by it. Like I said it was not communicated down to me very well. And the nurse said "we're going to keep him." I had no idea what that meant. The NNP left the room and I asked my nurse "so what is going on exactly?"
She explained that the NICU was going to make sure they had a bed for him, and then we were going to take him over there, and he would be admitted. She told me that they may just keep him for a few hours, or just for 24 hours, but that would be up to them.
So I take Nathan over there. And I hang out with him for a little while. And the nurses explain that I am going to need to leave so they can start an IV. And I'm all "huh." I told the NICU nurse that we were told there was a chance we could still go home tonight. And she said "no, he's going to be here last for the next 24 hours, so he needs an IV." They then explained he was going to not be allowed anything by mouth (NPO) for at least 24 hours. I was in such denial. Seriously, typing this, 9 weeks later, I can't believe I honestly thought I was taking him that night, but I did.
So I began my walk back to my postpartum room. Alone. I am positive I cried every step. I got to the room. And I was alone. Completely and totally alone. It was the worst kind of quiet.
Soon Shaun got there. And I told him what was happening.
We dropped our littles off at a friends (thanks Jane!) and shaun came back and we went back to see him together. They had done an IV, and we were told he was "a very very hard stick." They had also placed a tube in his mouth that went down to his stomach that was sucking out all of his stomach contents. If (when) his bowels started backing up into his stomach, it would be suctioned out. It was horrible to watch. Every time the suction turned on, he would gag and dry heave. It was AWFUL. Seriously. Weeks later just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
They got us down to the car, we stopped at chipotle where dinner was waiting for us (thank goodness for online ordering). Then we went home to eat. It was almost 10 at that point. Everyone was so tired. Looking back now. I am so grateful Bowen and Hannah were both there as we went home. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to leave the hospital lone. To get home and have to explain to them that Nathan had to stay. (where they saw the empty hospital room, they watched us leave without him. They understood the best they could.) I don't remember much about that first night. Other than taking a shower, pumping, and going to bed. I don't remember if either of them asked about Baby. I don't. I don't remember how Bowen got to school the next day.
I do remember Hannah not sleeping in her bed, and insisting on cuddling with me. I took this photo and posted it on facebook with this caption:
Ever since Hannah was born she has been Ike balm for my soul.
Normally sleeping next to her is like sleeping next to a sword fish, who has ants. But last night she just sweetly cuddled.
She was exactly what I needed. For as crazy as she is she always seems to just know.
This was his crib card in the NICU
(his length is wrong in this picture)
Leaving the hospital without Nathan was one of the hardest things I had ever done. And if I was perfectly honest, if you had asked me that night "why is he in the NICU" I had no idea. None. And I can promise you, that, the not knowing, did not help.
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