On being gentle with myself

I read this story several weeks ago, about a women, who's husband suffered a brain injury, and because of that injury, was not himself, for years, the women did all she could to help keep up the house, and their property, and their business, but it was too much for her to handle, and some things where neglected.  One day, during a moment of lucidity she was able to talk to her husband about how desperate things had gotten. He got on the phone and ordered a giant sign and put their phone number on it, and drove all of their vehicles and their boat down to the road, in an attempt to sell all of them. Just a few moments later the mans phone rang, it was a neighbor, who was yelling about how he was turning their property into a used car lot, and how the large sign couldn't be legal, and how his property with the large sign and all the vehicles was bringing down the value of the neighbor's property. Finally the neighbor was finished. And got quiet, and the man said "there was a time in this country when, if you saw your neighbors yard hadn't been mowed in 6 weeks, and all of his belongings for sale at the road, you would call and check on him, because something was obviously terribly wrong." The neighbor was silent, and the man went on to explain his injury and how it was affecting his family. The neighbor apologized, really apologized, and even said he would call his friends to see if they would be interested in buying any of his things.

This women told this story to tell this point. If we all went about with signs hanging from our necks, saying what was really going on in our lives, how much gentler would we be towards each other. This women talked of how she longed to just be able to wear a sign around her neck so people knew what was going on without having to fake being ok, but also without having to tell everyone she came in contact with. She longed to be honest. Truthfully, rawly, honest, not only with others, but herself as well.

This article has changed my perspective a bit. How much easier would it be to face the challenges of everyday with everyone understanding where you're coming from? I have been brought to tears lately at the unintentionally hurtful things people have said to me. I believe they don't mean to be hurtful or rude, but they honestly don't know any better. They don't know what I've been through, and what I'm going through. I haven't told them, and I've found it's easier to fake the smile, and make up an answer than to say through tears the truth.  I long to be able to wear a sign around my neck that says, please, be gentle, I've lost two babies this year, I'm still grieving, I'm still mending, I'm still healing, please, be gentle.

(This is a bit of a rant, and for that I'm sorry) but I long to wear this sign, so that, that way, during my WEEKLY questioning by some lady who I don't even know at church (it seems to always be at church) when they ask, "is this your only child?" Or "how many kids do you have?" Or "you want more kids, don't you?" I don't have to lie to be socially appropriate. And I don't have to lie to keep from bursting into tears.

This past week, some poor sister asked if Bowen was my only child "so far". That really struck me. I think I got so caught up on this poor sisters question I was super rude and didn't even answer it. But this past week was a rough one for me, I even had a sister tell me that because my son is two years old, I "ought to be ready to have another" I literally stood up from the table and walked away, without so much as a goodbye. I have zero grace and poise when it comes to these things. But seriously, who says that?! I have even had a sister ask me, after finding out Bowen is two, "well, are you trying to have another?!" I honestly have no idea what I said to her, I was so taken aback by her question. I'm sure it was something along the lines of waiting until it was right for our family, and she stopped talking. Just a few minutes after having that conversation I realized, basically what this women asked me, was if my husband and I were having unprotected sex with the intent to conceiving a child. How personal of a question is that?! That's akin to asking what position we have sex in. Who asks that to a basically random stranger?! I'd like to make it clear that, I do not know these women, yes they go to church with us, yes, they are in our ward, but I'm in nursery the entire time, and don't know any one outside of that little bubble. If I ran into these women in the hall of church I would not even remember having a conversation with them. That's how brief and informal these conversations where.


Sorry for the rant, moral of the story is this, don't invite yourself into anyone else's bedroom. It's awkward, ridiculously awkward for those involved.

I say all of this to get to my point. I'm working on being gentle with myself, and not beating myself up over stupid answers to awkward questions in hallways. I met with our bishop a couple weeks back to get some resources, and he told me to not let Satan's voice into my head, and that Satan would try to convince me that I'm not as worthy as those with bountiful wombs (my words, not his) and that I am no less than those women, and that I am just as worthy, and just as precious in the sight of God.  Before meeting with him the thought did enter into my mind, just twice, that maybe I was less, in terms of being able to multiply and replenish. But I'm beginning to understand, that he also meant in terms of being gentle with myself, and to not beat myself up over my stupid answers, and because sometimes I have stupid answers that doesn't make my babies matter any less.

I'm working on being brave. It is so difficult to do. To be raw and vulnerable to people you don't know, about the death of your children. But I'm trying, and I hope that one day, when someone asks me "How many children do you have?" I'll be able to proudly and confidently say, something along the lines of "I have one, here on earth with me, and I have two in heaven."



We feel impossibly small to be a family of five.