It started when I won a copy of Brona: a memoir. It was beautiful. It's a true story about a women who is a midwife, and becomes pregnant, and loses her baby in the early stages of labor. And how she copes with the death of her stillborn baby, and how she pulls herself back from the brink of suicide. It was beautiful (I know I already said that, but I cannot think of another word to describe how I feel about the book). I related to so many parts of the book. It was so easy to read. I finished in just a couple of days, right before the new year.
I've read just a couple books since. Most recently, I read The Fault in our Stars by John Green (he does the mental floss videos on youtube, but he is also an author! I had no idea it was the same guy for forever!) I picked up the book on Saturday (?) and just finished it today. It was incredible. I found myself at a park watching Bowen play with rocks, bawling my eyes out. I have not had tears flow that freely in a very long time.
The part that I loved the most about the book is the concept that some infinities are bigger than others. I'll use an excerpt to explain.
"There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that."
I loved loved loved this. I have often thought about our little time with our little ones. Both those here on this earth with us and those who are gone. I remember when Bowen was a newborn and those days and nights seemed like they were never going to end. He was never going to be big enough to sleep through the night, he was never going to be big enough to not need my help. And oh, how I wish I could go back to that little infinity. Those days and nights were so precious. I remember rocking Bowen at night after he had eaten, trying to convince his little old soul that it was not yet time to wake up. I remember staring at our kitchen towels that I had rinsed of my over abundance of milk and then thrown over the edge of his crib, that he didn't sleep in, so they could dry in the hurricane of a fan we used as white noise. I remember watching those towels sway back and forth. Thinking, this hour is never going to end. Yet, look at me! Our Bowen turned 2.5 this last week!!! We have come so far from the milk drenched towels swaying in the breeze of our fan.
I remember being pregnant with Emmaline and then Grayson, thinking the days were so long, being sick, and tired chasing after Bowen, thinking they would never end, when I thought of the months I had left to carry them. And yet, they ended all too soon.
I stumbled upon one of the only pictures I know of, consciously taken when I was pregnant with Grayson. I was struck. When I took the photo, I had no idea it was going to be the one of the only photos taken of me while pregnant with Grayson. I never would have guessed that 12 days after this picture was taken our little infinity would be over.
It seems like forever ago I lost my babies, both of them. And yet, it hurts like just yesterday.
All of this comes back to the fact that all this reading makes me want to write more! It does. And I'm trying to figure out how to put all my thoughts down into this blog, heavens knows I don't keep a journal, in a timely manner. That I am still working on.
It was been requested of me to write a post about appropriate was to interact and talk about losses with friends and family. Things to say to parents of loss, and things not to say. So, that post is coming, soon. I think.
No one has dared say it to my face, but for those of you out there thinking "She's STILL talking about this?!"
Yes.
I am.
And I will.
I know I've lost several friends on facebook due my inability to talk about nothing else some days. And if that is you. I understand.
Grief has no time limit. And I have no plans to impose one on it.
The excerpt I quoted earlier, goes on to say..
"I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
I love you, and Shaun, and little B, E, and G. You will always be one of my dearest friends and now family. It's your life. You'll always have support from me.
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