Waiting for happily ever after

I haven't posted in forever.

I suck at this.

SOOO much has happened in the last year. I'll try my best to give a recap of what I want to talk about today.

Hannah hit 6 months (in July of 2015) and she "met all her milestones" or so I thought. It wasn't until her 6 month appointment, which we ended up having to have late, due to Shaun getting a new job and new insurance, that her new pediatrician, asked "is she babbling?"

My heart sank.

Everywhere we went everyone always commented on how quiet my little girl was. "That is the quietest, sweetest little girl." And before this appointment I would happily smile and say thank you! We sure love her! She's my rainbow baby. The calm after the storm. Never in my wildest dreams did I think anything of her quietness.

"No." I answered her doctor. "Nothing at all?" No, nothing at all. "Well, we need to keep an eye on that."

I went home and immediately started researching this milestone I had forgotten about, and she missed. My sweet girl was 8 months at the time of this appointment, by the time most babies at 9 months, they should have 1 word. usually "mama" or "baba" (bottle) Hannah said nothing. Not. A. Thing.  The more I read the more I realized she wasn't just going to wake up the next morning and start talking and we needed help. I reached out to my mommy friends and asked what to do, and it was suggested to 1) contact Nevada early intervention services (NEIS) and 2) take her to a chiropractor.  And since Hannah had some random motor skills issues we decided we would do both. Figured it couldn't hurt to try.

Her initial assessment with NEIS was something I don't look back on fondly. I didn't like the "caseworker" as they're called. I was heartbroken that I even had to be there, but at the same time I was almost desperately wanting my baby to fail these tests so that she would qualify for services and I wouldn't have to be on this journey alone. And fail she did. She was 9 months by the time she had her initial assessment. She scored on level with a 4 month old for communication. and she was behind in motor skills as well. And thus she qualified. I was told in that evaluation that Hannah would need to have her hearing tested, but that it wasn't a big deal, because she responded to her name, and the word "no" and because she passed her newborn hearing screen, it was really just "policy." That was in October.

We started her speech services right away with a wonderful lovely lady named Wendy. Each month Wendy comes to our house and sits on my carpet, vacuumed or not, bless her heart, and works with my baby girl. She asks questions about her progress, and usually there's not much of anything to report.

We were assigned a permanent caseworker by the name of Abbie. And oh how I love this woman. I swear some months she comes to my house just to be therapy for me. To sooth my soul. To tell me it will all be ok. To tell me Hannah's doing fine. To tell me what the next steps will be and when and if we will need to take them. And oh how Hannah loves her.

In January, we FINALLY had Hannah's audiologist evaluation. And she failed. Hannah has fluid in her ears that prevents her from hearing all frequencies, particularly the lower frequencies. Hannah has never had an ear infection. She had never even really been sick at that point. We scheduled a follow up appointment for April, to determine if she still has fluid in her ears to then refer her to an ENT for tubes.  When Wendy, (speech therapist) got word NEIS wanted to wait 4 months, per policy, she told us to not wait that long, to go through our private insurance, and get one done right away. So we did.

Hannah had another hearing test in February. This one she "passed" even though it showed EXACTLY what the first one showed, that she failed. That she has fluid in her ears and she's not hearing all frequencies. The ENT told us if she still has it in a month to come back for tubes.

So here were are. My baby's almost 14 months old (will be on the 21st of this month) and she doesn't talk. I'm lucky if she babbles anything at all during the day (which she started doing around her birthday, but lately has been hit or miss.)

I have kept waiting to post until she said something or we had this huge break through in treatment and got our "happily ever after" but I'm learning some times that doesn't come.

We have spent the last almost 6 months of our lives in what seems like endless doctors appointments. Taking her to the chiropractor (which has made some what of a difference in her motor skills), having NEIS come to our house twice a month, having her regular pediatrician appointments, hearing tests, etc etc etc.

I have become a taxi. And poor Bowen is such a trooper. My heart breaks for that kid some days. Seeing his sister get all of this attention. And driving around town for all these appointments for her. and he's just toted along. I'm sure there are days he feels neglected. And there have been days where I have literally sobbed the entire time I have driven to Hannah's appointments because I had to leave him with someone else. I couldn't be there for him. And that just kills me.  It breaks my mama heart.

My mom has always told me "no one will love your babies like you do." and it is so true. And I think about that as I drive away and I pray to God that Bowen doesn't find a peanut on the floor, or an m&m and put it in his mouth thinking he'll just sneak it. And oh how my mama heart breaks as I put distance between me and him. Having to choose one child over the other. Having to only be there for one of your kids is a choice no parent should ever be forced to make.  



Parenting is HARD. Parenting a child with delays is really hard. Fielding questions about her walking and talking kills me. Bowen in his innocence asks "How old Hannah be for Hannah talk?" "How old Hannah be for Hannah walk?" And I tell him sweetly how we don't know. And only Hannah knows.

But the ladies at church or the grocery store sting a little bit more.


Parenting has taken me down a path I never imagined. I thought I'd be done when we got dealt the epi-pen hand. But I guess we have other cards in store for us. We'll keep waiting.